As reported here, on September 22, 2006, I inadverntently received a top-secret email from Howard Dean regarding the DNC's consideration of running a Mahmoud Ahmedinejad - Hugo Chavez ticket for president & vice-president in 2008.
"We did it, Mahmoud!!! We convinced those stupid American dhimmis that we are just terribly misunderstood peaceniks, and that we'll improve their lives!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
So NOW, imagine my surprise to inadvertently receive still ANOTHER secret email from the DNC, this one describing the menu of cabinet & key appointments an Ahmedinejad - Chavez administration would consist of!!!
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23Sept06 XMIT @ 18:56EST (C) COPYRIGHT DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE 2006, WASHINGTON DC.
AUTHORITZATION CODE 2X7CK9Y6 PGP PROTOCOL.
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***TOP SECRET***---***CONFIDENTIAL***
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DATE: September 23, 2006
FROM: HOWARD DEAN, Chairman, Democratic National Committee
TO: DEMOCRATS ACROSS AMERICA (and especially, our new seething lunatic base!)
RE: UNCLE MAHMOUD'S CABINET AND APPOINTMENT PICKS!!!
Dear Loonbat (just KIDDING!!!)... I mean, Fellow Democrat:
In my email from yesterday, I told you of my BIG idea to have the DNC run an Ahmedinejad-Chavez ticket in 2008, and explained why I and other DNC executives are confident that this ticket will restore us to majority status. 
Today, I have been authorized to share with you the names of the people who would fill key posts in such an administration.
Following is a list of these posts, with Uncle Mahmoud's description of the key qualifications of each!!!
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Post: Council on the Promotion of Virtue & Prevention of Vice
NOMINEE: IRAN'S MULLAH-OCRACY
Uncle Mahmoud says: "These are the supreme rulers, and to question or oppose them is to mean inviting death. They alone will decide who lives and who dies, for whatever crimes they claim one has committed.
"For Americans, this new ruler-ship will be hard to accept at first, what with its somewhat different view on premarital sex, particularly if it is practiced by a young woman (read the story of one such offender here, and see video documentary here). But thanks to the Council, all American women will soon learn their place --- as will men, children, and small animals."
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Post: Czar of Labor
NOMINEE: KIM JONG-IL
Uncle Mahmoud says: "If ever there was a man who knows how to keep civilians motivated to work, without complaint of any kind, it's Lil' Kim. Behind that horrible bouffount hairdo and Elvis-ish glasses lies a natural-born labor negotiator. It is true that some consider his incentives fairly drastic ('Work at tasks we assign to you, and maybe --- just maybe --- you'll live to see tomorrow; refuse, and you'll be executed.').
"But it won't be easy to break Americans' notorious self-determination, or their view of government officials as merely civil servants, accountable to citizens. No, we'll need to rapidly bury those notions, and fast. Lil' Kim will be vital to this effort, and he will work closely with my next nominee, in this campaign to erradicate that notorious rugged American individualism."
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Post: Czar, Federal Communications Commission
NOMINEE: TED "I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PROZAC!" TURNER
Uncle Mahmoud says: Ted is perfect for this post. He knows the media business as well as anyone, as well as how to craft agreements that enable dictators and jihadists to get their message out, exclusively on his networks. And like a good dhimmi, he also agreed to never criticize his hosts, nor to feature any voices or stories that are critical of them.
"Further, as Ted has gone progressively more crazy (or 'MUCHO loco,' as Uncle Hugo says) since the Fox News Channel has been whipping his CNN's ass week after wek, month after month, we believe that he has the motivation and energy to help us create all-jihad-sympthizing TV, all the time. Plus, although Ted voiced initial opposition to banning all explicit, suggestive or subversive programming, he finally realized that in order to have a peaceful, jihad-sympathizing society, we all need to make some sacrifices.
"We are very confident that with the proper medication, Ted will be a very useful tool for us."
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Post: Ambassador to Hezbollahstan
NOMINEE: CINDY SHEEHAN
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Howard Dean tells me that some smartass American sumbitch, 'JonQuixote,' has been documenting here how Hezbollah, under Iran's guidance and support, has been systematically destroying Lebanon, and is replacing it with a new nation: 'Hezbollahstan'."
But as 'Mother Sheehan' has demonstrated the advanced mental capacity to understand that folks like Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad are not really terrorists, but rather, are 'freedom fighters' (as documented here; see links), I can think of no one more well-suited to be 'our voice in Lebanon..' er... wait, I mean, 'Hezbollahstan'."
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Post: Deputy Czar of Education
NOMINEE: WARD CHURCHILL
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Here's another wise American who 'gets it.' Professor Churchill accepts the fact that American civilians are culpable for whatever their government does, and for any way in which they or their government commits any act that the rest of the world finds insulting --- and therefore, they really are, as Churchill said, 'Little Eichmanns,' who deserved to be executed or burned alive.
"Hey, America's loss is our gain, in the form of a nutjob deluxe, like Professor Churchill!!!"
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Post: Attorney General
NOMINEE: RAMSEY CLARK
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Mr. Clark may be a nutjob royale, but he's OUR kind of nutjob royale.
"In short, he is the ultimate dhimmi. He's never seen an aspect of America that he couldn't voice disdain over, or the most hideous act of foreign oppression or brutality that he couldn't explain away as a gigantic misinterpretation of that nation's true, benevolent nature, and its rich cultural legacy. Mr. Clark (or as we call him, 'Your Nuttiness') will be a key tool, along with the ACLU and other jihadist-sympathizers, of crafting and enforcing laws that will bring American rugged individualism to its knees. Just so long as we keep him supplied with Lithium-soaked GummyBears(TM), that is..."
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Post: Deputy Press Secretary
NOMINEE: NOAM CHOMSKY
Uncle Mahmoud says: "What Mr. Clark (above) would bring to an Ahmedinejad-Chavez administration from a legal perspective, Dr. Chomsky would bring from a philosophical perspective.
"Well, although our strict religious code supercedes any silly philosophical notion, Dr. Chomsky has repeatedly demonstrated a willingness --- like Mr. Clark --- to subvert America at every turn, while granting almost blanket amnesty to the world's most vicious butchers, and those who enable them.
"We believe Dr. Chomsky will be a key tool in translating our ultimate, apocalyptic visions and values into terms that are... not alarming to ordinary, thinking Americans. We have nothing to worry about from the American media... they'll believe whatever we tell them to believe, and report whatever we tell them to report. But those clear-thinking, self-respecting, historally-aware Americans could be a problem --- and that's why we'll need the help of a very practiced, jihadist-equivocating wordsmith. I and our Council of Mullahs are thrilled that Dr. Chomsky has agreed to fill this key position."
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Post: Ambassador to the United Nations
NOMINEE: JIMMY CARTER
Uncle Mahmoud says: "This former U.S. president is the ultimate tool for me and Uncle Hugo.
"Carter's long history of cozying up to dictators and tyrants, and his willingness to denounce his own nation and especially Israel, mark him as a huge embarrassment to his countrymen, but a hero to the mullahs of Iran and elsehwere. This alone qualifies Carter to lead out delegation to the United Nations, which, as we all know, is the world's leading organization of tyrants, dictators, gangsters, murderers and enemies of freedom --- just the right kind of treehouse for America's most mentally disturbed former president (although, after Clinton's meltdown on the 9/24/06 episode of Fox News Sunday, that may be debatable).
"But President Carter's most significant act of obedience to us was when he 'certified' the election fraud in Venezeula that cemented Uncle Hugo in power. And to think, all he wanted was a big warm hug from Uncle Hugo... which, as you can see, he got. We really look forward to working with Carter."
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Post: National Security Advisor (Honorary)
NOMINEE: ARTHUR "PINCH" SULZBURGER, JR.
Uncle Mahmoud says: "For almost six years now, Arthur Sulzburger, Jr. has believed that his job as publisher of the New York Times has qualified him to choose which national security secrets should be disclosed to the American people, en masse, and which should not. Invariably, the disclosures he's chosen to make have had one thing in common: they have hurt America's security (or, conversely, helped the jihadists and their enablers).
"This distinguished track record of dhimmitude, combined with his many contacts within intellectual, artistic and media circles, made Pinch a natural choice for our new National Security Advisor, and we are confident that he will continue to undermine America. (We will, however, consider replacing Pinch if and when he either wakes up or develops a conscience... in which case we've learned that Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf --- a/k/a 'Baghdad Bob' --- may be interested in this position."
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Post: Czar of Water Safety, Oceans and Inland Fisheries
NOMINEE: SENATOR TED "THE SWIMMER" KENNEDY
Uncle Mahmoud says: "New York Times publisher Arthur 'Pinch' Sulzburger, Jr. (profiled above) personally recommended Senator Kennedy for this post. But Pinch made mention of some kind of inside joke, he said something about never saying 'I can't believe I sank the whole thing!' around Ted.
Does that mean anything to you? Me neither. Anyway...
"We know of Kennedy's extensive work to undermine America at every turn throughout his career, so we take it on faith that Kennedy won't disappoint us. We understand that Democrats from Massachussetts are quite easily transformed into loyal dhimmis; just look at John Kerry and William Delahunt (who kissed Hugo Chavez's feet for giving his constituents free heating oil). Man, that was hilarious... you Americans really are suckers!"
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Post: Surgeon General
NOMINEE: DR. AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Howard Dean told me how important it is in America to give the impression that I will not discriminate against any individuals or groups as I consider nominees for my cabinet (well, except for Jews - they have no place, anywhere) --- and he went on to compliment me on how well I've learned to talk directly to American leftists' sensibilities and vulnerabilities (see here and here).
"So, as part of our effort to reach out to our distant friends in al Quada, and to create a more 'inclusive' administration, we've decided to offer this position to Ayman al-Zawahiri, second-in-command only to Osama bin Laden. He's sort of the Dr. Joseph Mengele ('Angel of Death' in the Nazis) of al Quada. We sincerely hope that this appointment will bring the top leadership of al Quada and Iran closer together, for our mutual goal of destroying free, secular societies, and putting strict Islamic theocracies in their places."
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Post: Minister of Finance
NOMINEE: KOFI ANNAN
Uncle Mahmoud says: "This was a proverbial no-brainer. Kofi Annan was at the helm of the organization that committed the largest financial scam in world history - the Iraqi Oil-For-Food scandal.
"If he can pull that off, and still walk out on the U.N. stage every day and carry himself off with such Clintonian persuasiveness, and while cozying up to or appeasing jihadists all over the world, combined with the way that American leftists and Democrats worship the U.N., Kofi was a natural choice.
"If for whatever reason Kofi is not able to fulfill his duties in my administration, however, I've already lined up an alternate: several principals of the Norte del Valle cocaine cartel have expressed interest in running our finance, shakedown, bribery and other secretive operations. The most enthusiastic alternate applicant for this post has been Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez, head of NDV cartel, pictured right. At least he looks the part of one of the most corrupt, depraved actors on the world stage, don't you think?"
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Post: Minister of Propaganda
NOMINEE: MICHAEL "DER FAT FURHER" MOORE
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Until the 2004 American presidential campaign, I and the mullahs had been largely unaware of Mr. Moore's 'work.' I mean, what could we possibly learn from 'artists' such as this obnoxious, bloated, America-hating boor?
"But all that changed with the release of 'Fahrenheit 9/11,' which has been a hit in jihadist circles around the globe, and has even been featured in their training and propaganda videos.
"What really put Moore on our radar screen for this post, however, was the near-godly status showered upon him by intellectuals, politicians, schoolteachers, the movie industry, college professors, young people and the world media, despite the most obvious lies, distortions and misrepresentations in this film, and others he has made. The Bush campaign could not offset the damage that Moore was doing to it, and even American news organizations were unwilling to put their admiration for Moore aside long enough to see if what he was saying was true, contextual and verifiable.
"Miscreant though he may be, Michael Moore is exactly the kind of dhimmi we need to direct propaganda films and campaigns, particularly for us to help shape young people. Breaking that American spirit of rugged indvidualism, independence and private religion won't be easy --- but with Moore's assistance, we are confident we will eventually prevail."
UPDATE (September 28, 2006): Well it turns out this nomination has been partially verified; see article "Moore Please: Ahmadinejad Likes Leftist Moviemaker" and "Mahmoud and Me."
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Post: Czar of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
NOMINEE: "CALYPSO" LOUIS FARRAKHAN
Uncle Mahmoud says: "Although we didn't know what the hell the 'Nation of Islam' was when we first heard about it... when we realized that this nutjob was congenitally anti-American and pro-jihad, well, that was good enough for us...
"We selected Louis Farrakhan for this key post in part because of his organization's suspected involvement in vandalism of liquor stores in the San Francisco area (see article here). Now here's a man who knows how to impose his vision on a culture... and in keeping with jihadist doctrine, decries anyone who in asserts in any way that he, or we for that matter, represent any kind of threat to America, and freedom!
"Calypso Louis will be a vital tool for us to maintain control over a population which has been disarmed and forced into sobriety... and he'll do it with that outer-space smile on his face (as he waits for the Mother Ship to come retrieve him and his followers, and transports them to the great mental hospital in the sky...)."
MORE TO COME!
© Copyright 2006 by Jon Quixote. All rights reserved. Qualified media representatives interested in publishing this item may contact jonquix@hotmail.com for information.
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