. CHARLIE MANSON TO SPEAK AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
CHARLIE MANSON TO SPEAK AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
Offer to be made once mass-murdering psychopath is paroled, and appointed as head of a new, tolerant nation: "Nutjobistan".
Dateline: September 25, 2007
Continuing its recent tradition of embracing “diversity” and “dialogue” and “tolerance” to foster global peace, Columbia University will soon announce that it will be sponsoring a speech by convicted mass-murderer Charlie Manson at some point in the near future.
In a pre-release statement obtained by a secret source inside this prestigious institution, JQWorld has learned that Columbia University Dean John Coatsworth – who recently hosted a speech by Iranian madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and said that
checkered past, and has demonstrated numerous anti-social tendencies.
“Yes, Mr. Manson has something of a
"But it’s recently come to our attention that in conjunction with the UN, the European Union --- in order to create a nurturing, supportive environment for the most psychopathic members of our global family --- will be establishing a tiny, new nation in its midst, that will be exclusively occupied and run by criminally insane Jew-haters and America-bashers: Nutjobistan.
“Through sources within the EU’s senior leadership, I’ve also learned that to facilitate cross-cultural understanding, the constituent members of the future Nutjobistan have indicated that there is only one man in a position to lead this new, young nation: convicted mass-murderer Charlie Manson, assuming he is paroled soon. And to ensure that this election runs smoothly, I’ve learned that former president Jimmy Carter has volunteered to travel to Nutjobistan, to oversee ballot-counting.
“As part of my role to inculcate our students with a greater appreciation not only for the world they’re about to inherit, but also of the most troubled people that inhabit it, I’ve made the decision that once Mr. Manson is duly elected as President of Nutjobistan, Columbia would be happy to sponsor a speech by him.
"To those who say that a taxpayer-subsidized American university as prestigious as Columbia should not be hosting a speech by a person such as Mr. Manson, I ask them: Does not the advancement of cross-cultural understanding benefit our young people? Does not Mr. Manson have a right to redeem himself? And do we, as a leading research institution, not have a moral obligation to help facilitate, in a nurturing, positive environment, the healing that Mr. Manson so obviously yearns for?
“I therefore urge our critics to find some sympathy within themselves, and not be so intolerant of, and closed-minded to Columbia’s efforts in outreach and diplomacy. After all, Mr. Manson will soon be the elected leader of the newest member of our family of nations --- should we not extend every courtesy to its legitimate leader?"
A JQWorldNews reporter made contact with Dean Coatsworth, and asked if Columbia would be also willing to host speeches by other prominent national figures such as President Bush, former UN Ambassador John Bolton, or Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Coatsworth responded:
“Are you (expletive) crazy??? Of course not. They’re all a bunch of mass-murdering, fascist neocons, who are hell-bent on enslaving the world for their own greed. They have absolutely no understanding of cross-cultural dialogue, and believe that military might is the answer to every problem --- especially with maniacal, terror-sponsoring dictators who lust after nuclear weapons. Heck, didn't you see what our tolerant, inclusive, peace-seeking, dialogue-cherishing student body did to the founder of the Minuteman Project, when he came to speak at Columbia last year? We don't take kindly to people who stand on principle, and for the defense of the American people around here.”
When our reporter pointed out that this description is actually much more appropriate to figures such as Hitler, Ahmadinejad and Manson, Coatsworth angrily replied:
“You see, you don’t understand education at all. Those people, unlike the Bush cabal, have said that their mission is to foster global peace and social justice – and we believe them. His Excellency, President Ahmadinejad, said this only yesterday. Unlike Bush, they haven’t lied to us and taken away all of our civil rights, listened in on our phone calls, and so on."
As he stormed off, Coatsworth tossed our reporter one final insult:
“Go get a GED, then get back to me, ok? I don’t have time for this nonsense. I've got a school-full of young Americans to indoctrinate... er, I mean, educate, dammit!!!”
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