EXCLUSIVE!!! "SLANDers" FORMS TO WAGE LEGAL WAR --- AGAINST GOD!!!
(DATELINE EARTH - January 31, 2007)
Occasionally, JQWorld gets a sneak peek inside those who are classified on this blog as being loonbat leftist whackjobs.
This is one of those times.
A new lawyer's group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), has been formed to initiate international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and global warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur.
In this exclusive interview with JonQuxiote, SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director Peacedove Handwring discloses the primary cause of global warming:
"For decades, global warming alarmists like Al Gore and others have been pointing to the manufacturing industry, human greed, the internal combustion engine and our capitalism-based society as the causes of global warming. And while these factors have all contributed to global warming, they are only incidental causes.
The real cause is far more powerful, and more difficult to deal with: God.
"Over thousands of years, God has been producing so-called 'natural disasters' that have caused many times more pollution and carbon-dioxide emissions than anything man could even conceive, yet He has been effectively absolved from any responsibility from our current plight.
"With the advent of SLAND, or 'The SLANDers,' the free-pass afforded to God is going to come to a decisive end."Pressed for specifics, Ms. Handwring provided some compelling examples to support her seemingly outrageous claims:
"Most people don't realize it, but May 18, 1980 was the day that produced more global-warming emissions than any single event in history. In that 24-hour period, more toxic pollutants were spewed into the Earth's biosphere than any single day, week, month or year before or since.
"And it had absolutely nothing to do with humans: it was the eruption of the volcano known as Mt. St. Helens in Washington.
"We in the rabid environmental movement had little to say about this, because most people, policy experts and scientists dismissed this as a 'natural disaster.' But who is ultimately responsible for supposedly 'natural disasters' such as this? Only one person: God.
"Furthermore, as we allege in our federal complaint, God has been singluarly responsible for the repeated ice ages that have plagued the Earth since He supposedly created it, each of which was followed by periods of global warming. We consider it eminently unfair that during these unnatural temperature cycles, so many species could not adapt and went extinct. After all --- who is He to play... God!?"
How does Ms. Handwring respond to those who might say that she, and the SLANDers, are pursuing a legal dead-end, by "suing" God? The answer is as surprising as it is revealing:
"Look, it's beyond dispute that we on the left have mastered the art of using the law, schools and public propaganda to advance anti-human, anti-industrial, anti-freedom, anti-capitalist perceptions and values. But while we have focused on factories and automobiles and the like, we've allowed God --- the most grievous violator of our right to a clean environment --- to not face the responsibility or consequences for the fact that He has been the primary cause of global warming.The first stage of SLAND's campaign will be massive public demonstrations by the most notorious enviro-activists who have protested in various venues throughout the world, over the past 40 years.
"Now, look at other supposedly 'natural disasters' that also contribute more to global warming than humans ever could. Lightning strikes a forest and it goes up in flames, belching clouds of toxic materials into the atmosphere. Until now, we chalked it up to a 'random occurrence.' But who is really responsible? That's right --- God.
"We at SLAND are now going to marshal and focus our legal skills, and all the resources at our avail, to expose this travesty, and to finally hold God accountable, both in a court of law, and in the so-called 'court of public opinion.' Then, and only then, will we be able to finally deal with the real cause of so many needless deaths of humans, animals and plants."
JQWorld has obtained these exclusive photos from Ms. Handwring, as a preview of what may be coming to a park, shopping mall or public school near you:
As of JQWorld press time, God was unavailable for comment. One of God's spokesmen, St. Ernest, however, issued the following statement:
"While God certainly respects Ms. Handwring and her fellow attorneys at SLAND, He is a bit busy right now trying to deal with the insanity of religious wars occurring throughout the world to respond to her accusations as fully as he'd like. We are, however, in receipt of the SLANDers' discovery motions, and will be responding to them at our earliest opportunity.
"And although we aren't sure which court would have jurisdiction in such a cosmic matter, God is eagerly looking forward to defending both Himself and human freedom against SLANDers' allegations."
Stay tuned to JQWorld for the latest developments as this fascinating super-nature-al legal drama unfolds!!!
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